St. Leap Year

This title is taken from my friend Raisin's blog...

I've wondered a couple times -- "Gosh, it's a leap year. Should I do something special? Should we do something special at church?"

But why? It's just a calendar date anomaly. It's not even a secular holiday. There's no meaning behind it, no special significance or special stories or myths or history. And yet, it feels special somehow.

I think human beings need to make meaning out of things. Sometimes that casts a shadow over my own religious beliefs... is this just a need I have to be part of a larger story? To mark my days and years with meaning and rhythm? So that there are special days, special places, and special objects? What's the difference between Leap Year, Superbowl Sunday, and Easter?

But I think of something my old classmate Jim Hamilton said once, about being Christian and becoming a Episcopal priest, "Everyone lives their life according to some bullsh*t, and this is MY bullsh*t." We choose the story we set our lives to.

Twentieth-century theologian Richard Niebuhr said that everyone has a god -- it might be money, their children, football, or Jesus Christ. But we all need to have something bigger than we are, something that we can look to and believe in, something to set our lives against.
I realized a long time ago that "religion" doesn't speak to everyone (I resist calling it "organized religion," because as Kathleen Norris once wrote, if you're a regular churchgoer, religion seems like one of the most disorganized things around). Maybe we all need to experience God in different ways -- it makes for a richer world.

And I'd rather stay humble and mystified in my beliefs and about this world, than sure that I know who God is.

New car procrastination

I love my car. It's a 1999 VW Golf. It's tough and solid. I like the shape of it. It's like an old friend. But I should get a new car.

Or that's what Adam and my father keep telling me.

Some problems:

- an orange side light is broken out
- all 4 hubcaps were stolen 6 years ago, now I have plastic ones
- the bar detailing along the doors is coming unglued
- the cover for the rearview mirror on the driver's side fell off
- there's a hairline crack in my windshield
- and last June, two different mechanics told me I needed a new transmission... everything is still working fine, though!

I could buy a new Golf, but they're more sporty-slick than I like. I've looked at other cars... last summer, I had a big crush on the Toyota Matrix.

I still like the Matrix. And I like other hatchbacks, too -- the Honda Fit,

And the Nissan Versa,

But buying a car isn't a simple exercise. And I'm finding it hard to think about junking my Golf. I keep thinking, wouldn't it be cheaper just to fix all the bumbly parts of my old car? Insurance would stay cheap. And these other cars don't seem as solid and safe as my Golf. Sigh. Too, I've had so much other change in my life this year, maybe I just want my car to stay the same.

sunset in Bolingbrook

I came out of the church's glass doors this evening, and across the parking lot was bright white snow as far as you could see, there's lots of open land around our neighbors: the middle school, dentist office, new homes, and a clean, new warehouse with dozens of loading docks for the tractor trailers that come through. The sunset was dark pink.

Soon I will have a camera around again, so I can show you.

under construction

I'm messing around with a new look for the blog.

A communion kit

This is my new communion kit -- for celebrating the Eucharist with people in the hospital or at home. I'm totally excited about it, I'm afraid in part, because I feel like a little girl with a new tea set. But ALSO, because packing bread and wine in my attache hasn't really worked so well in the past (i.e., spills, not as special-looking).

I purchased it from a woman in Colorado who hand-makes them (or assembles them from handmade pieces made by other people) and gives the proceeds to charity. Many communion kits are made from mahogany, sterling silver, and crystal, and run $700-800. This one is ceramic and some kind of generic wood, and about $120. It's very simple and to be frank, a bit shoddy-looking. But maybe that's more like Jesus anyway. And it's sort of nice... you can tell everything was made by human beings.

Hand-burned cross on the front..

Little ceramic vessels, some with imperfections in the glaze. And the lid on the pyx doesn't exactly stay on, so all the wafers or bread would fall out I think. Maybe if I set it inside just right? Packed it in with the communion linens?

The candles sit on tiny pegs, and detach to go back inside the box.
(See first photo to see them lying inside the lid.) This detail is somewhat cheesey, and something I've never seen on "fancy" kits, but I like it. Makes the moment more liturgical, which is big stuff for us Episcopalians.

And aren't the tiny linens cute? (I know, I'm veering into tea set mode, here.)

The wine cruet (with the stopper) is also obviously going to be prone to spillage (and hard to clean). Sigh. But I also have a little glass jar included, with a screw-top, so that will be good. Hmm, seems I haven't avoided the spilling problem I have with my attache. Hmm.

Adam took these pictures with his fancy-pants camera and black background thing. Soon we're getting a Canon G9 that I will get to be custodian of, so more photos will return to the blog soon...

Another gorgeous mug

Ah yes, Adam takes such breath-taking photos of moi...

Lunar Eclipse

My friend Dave told me about the lunar eclipse tonight. I hadn't heard anything about it before this afternoon.

It began while I was working, late, at the office. A parishioner, Courtenay, came running down the hall from an adult class meeting at church tonight and told me to look out the window! The moon had just the beginning of a shadow-smudge across the bottom.

I went out again a few minutes ago, and it looked like the moon had gone to an Ash Wednesday service -- blurred and ashy. And yellowish.

It nice to be reminded to look out beyond my own world. I can get so stuck in things around me, to see things happening in the sky, so strange and so distant, puts things in perspective. Even though I listen to the news almost every day, for some reason, the eclipse got me out of my daily life in a way I haven't for a while. I feel sort of small -- there's a big world, a solar system, a whole universe.

It's a relief.

Sometimes I think it would be enough just to sit in wonder at the whole world, that's there's nothing else God asks of us.

Wedding tripe

I stood in front of the wedding section at Barnes and Noble today and just felt silly. There were shelves and shelves of books -- wedding planning, wedding etiquette, wedding flowers, destination weddings, weddings for dummies, and how-to guides for bridesmaids, grooms, groomsmen, mothers, and yes, even ringbearers!!!

I got two books, one of which I think I'm going to return. It's pink. It's supposed to be a planner, with pockets for business cards and receipts. But it's pink, and there are silly questionnaires and grids for planning table settings and I just can't bear it. I swear, these books could cause me more stress, even just as I read them in the store, than I can imagine they will save us over the next six months. But I like this one: Bridal Bargains: Secrets to throwing a fantastic wedding on a realistic budget.

And yet, I confess, obsessing over some of the details is fun, too. Presently, I'm obsessing over wedding cake. Adam and I actually don't even LIKE cake, and yet, I have always liked the idea of a coconut wedding cake. Maybe we could have coconut sheet cakes, since those are cheaper and match our picnic theme better than some towering sculpture of ganache and hazelnuts. But we might also just have pies. Or a dessert table... cupcakes, brownies, lemon bars, etc.

I have been noticing my own prejudice about wedding excess. But I'm having fun pondering over "how can we save?" "how could we get around that?" It feels like a game or a puzzle. And it's wonderful to get help from friends and family. My friend Monica is making our invitations, and Adam's extended family is catering the whole thing! Whew! My mother still can't believe this, but they do it all the time, apparently. Again, the picnic theme saves the day!

Stay tuned for further wedding ramblings as the months go by... oh, and we've set our date: August 30, 2008! Tick tick tick...

NIU

Yesterday afternoon, the copy guy was servicing our copier while I was working in my office. I came out to sign the paperwork and we started talking. He told me about the shooting at NIU, which is right up the road from us. I couldn't believe it. Another public shooting???

He was angry that anyone could think they could just shoot people to declare how depressed they were, to get famous before they shot themselves. And at first I thought he was being simplistic, because I remember feeling compassion for the Virginia Tech shooter. But now, I've gotten jaded. And I found myself agreeing with the copy guy. How can people think they can do this? What has happened in our culture that this has become a viable and popular (!) option?

After he left, I went into the sanctuary for a while. Played some hymns... in preparation for my Holy Week planning meeting with the music director, but they also became a prayer for NIU and all the victims and families.

As a Christian, I know I should have some compassion left, but I think there is also an expectation of responsibility in the words of the Bible. We are responsible for our own morality. We are responsible for each other.

cowboys herding cats

My friend Libby sent this to me, saying, "If you're in ministry, work with children, retail management, health and human services, property management, the army, manage a family or
food service this is your life." It's also just pretty darn funny.

Lent and Meat

You know what? It's really hard not to eat meat. I've been trying to do this as a Lenten discipline, after trying a couple other disciplines that weren't going anywhere those first few days. Giving up meat is my default discipline, and it never lets me down.

It's HARD. Meat is everywhere, it's so so easy to buy, eat, and cook. It tastes amazingly good. And vegetarian options at most restaurants aren't very good.

So, I find it's good for me to try this every year. And it does really feel like a deprivation... I miss it. I crave it. And I'm sure I look forward to Sundays, when you're allowed a feast day to help you maintain your fast. (Does Valentine's Day count as a feast? Adam and I are going to a Greek place, and not to eat lamb...?)

I should eat less meat anyway (so should all of us) -- for my health, and because it takes so much oil, pesticide, and factory farming to raise beef, pork, lamb, or chicken. I am eating fish, because otherwise it's just too hard. But Adam and I made red snapper the other night, and then I checked this "safe fish" guide from Shedd Aquarium, and not only is red snapper chronically overfished, it's likely to have unsafe levels of mercury in it!

Yeah, I realize no food is entirely safe or PC.

But you know, we eat so much meat and fish that it really isn't good for the world. People used to eat meat once a week, on Sundays. I'm not saying we should go back to cabbage and potatoes (which is what my ancestors would have eaten... well, cabbage, potatoes, and CHEESE, important difference!). But I'm going to stand on my high horse and say that we probably don't need to eat meat every day. Or twice a day. (Please tell me none of my readers eat meat three times a day?)

Ok, sermon over.

Winter is different

I used to love winter. This year, it's felt more bleak than usual.

This is strange, because my apartment overlooks a forest preserve, complete with the DuPage River, which floods and recedes as the weather changes, lots of trees with pretty red cardinals sitting in them, plenty of sky, and even a few rolling hills. There is winter beauty right outside my window!

I used to love snow. But this year, it just feels so very white. And so very icy. And so very hard to drive on.

This is my theory: previously, I used to walk everywhere. When I lived in Evanston, I walked (right across the parking lot!) to class, work, lunch, worship, etc. When I lived in Hyde Park, I walked a mile, two to six times a day, for classes, I walked to the grocery store, I walked to my parents' house, I walked to visit friends, I walked to go out for dinner. So, in the winter, I walked THROUGH the snow, I was OUT in the winter weather -- feeling the wind blow, smelling the snow, and acclimating to the whole deal. (Warm coats were key, here.)

In Bolingbrook, I'm rarely outside. It's something I've had to get used to with suburban living. I walk out to the apartment parking lot, get into my car, and I drive everywhere! I drive to another parking lot, and then walk right inside again.

I could walk around the forest preserve, but the snow is usually too deep. I could cross-country ski into the forest preserve, but I feel skittish about the steep hill I'd have to ski down to get there -- I mean, this hill has mini-switchbacks, it's so steep. (But I know, excuses, excuses!)

Living in a new place means getting used to a different sort of life. There are some gains (always having a parking place, for instance!) and some losses (the pleasure of walking). I'll have to develop some different habits to compensate. (And walking across parking lots just isn't quite going to do it.) But I do like Bolingbrook -- I'm getting attached to it (and I'm not just saying that for the benefit of my parishioners who read this blog!). I just miss walking to the grocery store, sometimes.

Baptism

We had a marvelous baptism at church on Sunday. The church was packed with people (102 vs. our usual 50-70!). And this baby was amazing... he was so mellow, which seems unusual to me for the tender age of 3 months. He looked at me as I poured the water over his head, as if to say, "Oh, ok; you're pouring water on my head." (It was warm water, which probably helped.) And he cried a little, but then, after I signed his forehead with the chrism and lifted him up so that everyone could see him, he just LOOKED at all of them. Just calmly surveyed all these people, who were clapping for him, like, "Wow, who are all those people? Are they clapping for ME? Huh."

And it is so moving to be a part of a family's journey in faith. This was their second son, and so they had the baptism gig down pretty well. We had great discussions in baptism prep classes together.

It was a fabulous day. Not one of my favorite sermons that I've ever preached, but the energy and beauty of the sacrament of baptism made up for it!

I've done one other baptism. It was when I was twenty-five, at the little church in Massachusetts where I was lay pastor for a year. That was fun, too -- but the ritual of an Episcopal baptism is so beautiful and so powerful. I just made up the liturgy in Monterey, but on Sunday, we said the same words that people say throughout the Episcopal Church when people are baptized -- powerful questions and statements and prayers with words like witness, evil powers, whole trust, deliver them, gift of water, new life of grace, and household of God. And my favorite: "give him an inquiring and discerning heart, the courage to will and to persevere, a spirit to know and to love you, and the gift of joy and wonder in all your works."

And it's powerful to hear myself saying the same words that I've heard said so many times before, as my professor John Dally told us at my ordination. The interesting part is that I feel less like "me, Heidi" than I feel like I am standing in for the whole community of my church -- or even the whole Church Universal. Because I think it's more that WE baptize, than that I baptize. I baptize in their name, because it is something that WE have to do, all together. Just like the Eucharist isn't complete until we all say AMEN! together.

The Friday Five

This post comes from the Friday Five from Rev Gal Blog Pals who asks: The Superbowl--love it or hate it? List 5 reasons why.

I actually don't love OR hate the SuperBowl. If I get invited to a party, I usually go and eat all that wonderful food - salsa, guacamole, chicken wings, things made with bacon and cream cheese... but if I don't, then I'm just as happy to sit at home and forget the whole thing's happening.

Generally, I find football very comforting -- which must sound odd. But listening to it in the background reminds me of the men in my family, either my dad watching on his own with a big bowl of popcorn (that he popped himself - NO microwave corn for him!) on his lap and a beer, or my dad, grandpa, and uncles hanging around over Thanksgiving or Christmas, talking, eating nuts, drinking beer, eating summer sausage, and laughing with each other. Hearing the announcer's voice, seeing all the men in helmets running on the green field: it makes me feel like all must be right in the world.

So, I don't have 5 reasons; just musings on food and family.

I don't know if I'll watch this year... unless Adam has made plans that I don't know about. This is going to be a crazy weekend -- I'm going to the consecration of our new bishop on Saturday, which should take up most of the day. Then I've decided to wait to write my sermon until AFTER the consecration, so that I can refer to it, so that will be Saturday night. Then we're baptizing a baby at St. Benedict's on Sunday morning, and I need to make sure I walk through that so I don't look up and realize that I don't know where to stand or which direction the baby should face.

But it will all be pretty fun, I think.

Oh yeah, and sometime I need to start planning this wedding thing.