Guess that stained glass window! 2

So, here's the complete set, for what it's worth. Maybe this is boring, but I promised, so here they are:

The Hebrew Bible Series...

Psalms, per David's harpThe Histories, per a Scroll

Pentateuch, per Moses with tablets

They're not the best pictures ever, since I again was leaning over the balcony to get them, and the light wasn't always where I wanted it to be, but bear with me...


New Testament Series...

Matthew, the Human
Mark, the Lion
Luke, the Bull
John, the Eagle
Paul, "Sword of the Spirit"

(What? No Revelation...?)

And this is my favorite... although it's actually over in the refectory:

Hooray for worlds colliding!

Guess that stained glass window!

I'm spending my days in between freelance projects... indexing a book one of my professors, Frank Yamada, is about to publish, working on the accreditation process for the seminary with another professor, Ellen Wondra, and keeping up with small editing and odd jobs for the Anglican Theological Review, where I've worked all year. I work on the index at this table in the library, usually. The table needs a new coat of varnish - it flakes off and gets all over everything. But I keep coming back because I like the space. It's a two story room (there's a better photo here, from last January), and dead quiet in the summer. There are also a set of stained glass medallions in the windows, that I like to look at when I need to take my eyes off my computer screen. Back in January, I blogged about the Moses holding the Ten Commandments, with a funny little smile. There are also medallions for the gospel writers, and then there are a couple that completely stump me. Like, what the heck is this?

Something on fire? Or shofars maybe?

And what about this??? It was further away from the balcony I was precariously leaning over today with my camera, so I got even less of a close-up. It's a set of tongs and some gemstones. I thought I was an upstanding Protestant who knew my Bible, but I suddenly feel very Episcopalian! Any ideas?

You know what? I think those upper windows are supposed to be the sections of the Hebrew Bible. The lower windows are the New Testament: the gospel writers. And the other upper-story windows are a harp (Psalms!), Moses smiling (the Torah), and something else that I can't remember. So, maybe somewhere in there we're supposed to see the prophets, wisdom literature, and the histories? Any ideas? I'll try to put in the others tomorrow, so you can see the complete set!

It's fun to blog about Seabury again... it's been a while since I've chronicled a piece of the campus here. Let me know if there are any requests out there for further things you'd like to see or are wondering about, with Seabury or funky Episcopal paraphanalia.

Summer liminality

So, I may be dumb, but my name is only in for one job right now. (Well, technically two, but I've heard the second is probably going to call someone else, and I never even interviewed with them.) Mostly, this has been fine... I trust that things will work out. But lately, I've been feeling kind of liminal, in a cramped sort of way. I know all kinds of theological thinkers say that liminality is a fertile place for ideas, change, and spiritual experience. But when you're not sure where you're going to be living in three months, all that fertility feels a little frivolous.

I suppose I should try to think over my spiritual practice, to try to tap into some of this liminal good stuff, instead of getting mired down in my boredom and frustration! That way, too, if this parish offers their position to someone else, I'll be in a better position to adapt and figure out what I will do instead. (My back-up plan right now is go back to being a legal assistant, as a temp, while I keep waiting.) I should probably be talking to God about all this. I don't know if any of you've ever tried actually talking with God about things, but it surprises me how often it actually works. I've gotten weird answers, and also very sensible ones. But often, I forget to ask.

Ten Prayers God Says Yes To

This is from beliefnet.com ... and although I'm praying for a particular job right now, it probably would be better for me to pray some of these things than, "God, please let St. X in Cute Surbuban Town hire me!"

Some of these are even kind of hard. Do I really want to be an instrument? What will I have to give up? Who would I need to become? The generosity one gets me, too - I feel pretty poor right now, but I'm really not. And praying for courage, wisdom, and peace seems so unsatisfyingly abstract. But those are the things that make life satisfying, really, rather than a new job, new car, or a cute new outfit, loathe as I am to admit it.

God, Show Me That You Exist
God, Make Me an Instrument
God, Outdo Me in Generosity
God, Get Me Through This Suffering
God, Forgive Me
God, Give Me Peace
God, Give Me Courage
God, Give Me Wisdom
God, Bring Good Out of This Bad Situation
God, Lead Me to My Destiny

for some short reflections on each, check out Ten Prayers God Says Yes To

Capture the Flag

I went to daycamp in Hyde Park when I was a kid. About twice a summer, we played Capture the Flag on the Midway, this huge open field near campus. But in 6th grade or so, I decided I didn't want to play anymore. All the girls who had already entered puberty always won at everything. Plus, we had to play with the boys. Now, a few years ago, I played a mean game of Capture the Flag through the woods and around all the houses at Gould Farm. That was wicked great. My team totally won, by the way. 6th grade was a different story. Instead of playing Capture the Flag, I'd sit with my other girly friends on the grass and we'd pick clover and make them into chains. Very sweet, right? The other kids had to run and tag each other around us. I think we must've annoyed the crap out of our counselors. We were such party-poopers. But we enjoyed ourselves.

I don't know why I'm telling you this. I do too many blog entries based on the photos I have sitting around. But that's why I took this photo - I was walking around Hyde Park last week and smelled the clover on the Midway and BAM, I was back with Vanessa Ford and Laura Donohue, making clover chains in 1988.

Summer is coming along. I've had a couple job interviews, as I've said. I have plenty of part-time work here at Seabury to keep me busy, which is a relief. I can probably stay here all summer, if I need to. There's a parish I really like, but their process will take a while, yet. I choose to believe that God has a place for me, and everything will be fine. I'm saying "no" to another parish, and I just need to find the balls to send the email. I worry I'm wrong in my judgments a lot, and I really need to cut it out. Some lessons to be learned from the Heidi who used to turn up her nose at the counselors and make clover chains just because she damn well felt like it.

Take that, Anxiety!

I've taken a week of doing mostly nothing to recover and relax after the chaos of last week and the anxiety fest following. This past weekend, my dad and I went out to western Michigan, where, for the past twenty-five years, my parents have been renting and being caretakers for a cabin called "Grape Vine." It's been a major part of childhood for my brother and me, and going back is always like being a kid again in some way. I didn't get a picture of it. But this is the beach, about 100 feet from the house:
Dad and I went to the grocery store, ate meals, read on the porch, talked about various things, took a three mile walk, and washed windows. I also took a swim! Best thing ever. It was just warm enough not to be painful, and still cold enough to be absolutely BRACING. There was no wind either, so the water was incredibly still - usually I get pummeled around by waves, but I could paddle out over my head easily, just like I was in a big dark swimming pool. Beautiful.

Here's me and dad, in hats... I realize appear to have no lips.

So, I'm feeling less anxious. My friend Heather kindly emailed and reminded me, "unknown change is a b****." But I'm getting a few more "knowns" to hold onto. I had a second interview today for one position, and I have another tomorrow. So, I have some choices, which is great. And I'm going out for gelatto with a neighbor shortly, which should be great.

Fear of change

"A monk was once asked, 'What do you do there in the monastery?'
He replied, 'We fall and get up, fall and get up,
fall and get up again.' "

Why is it so hard to be in transition? Even though all the big events are over, I'm still carrying around a lot of anxiety - about where I will work, what it will be like, where I will live, what I will do about my car... I'm just a big ball of WORRY! And I'm not usually a worrier. My default tends to be: accept what comes, stay calm, absorb everything, go with the flow, trust that everything will be fine. But in this new job I'll have, I'll have to redefine myself in a way I haven't for a long time. I'm not going to be a student, I'm going to actually have responsibilities - and a public image, even! I'm going to be someone besides just "Heidi," who can make all her decisions privately, and choose, for instance, not to show up at meetings if she doesn't want to.

What's the difference between being yourself, and adapting to your life as it changes? I feel like I'm getting a little lost in all these new possibilities, even though right now that's pretty much just three jobs in the greater Chicago area!

I've noticed, as I go through life, that I like the idea of new possibilities, but I usually don't actually stray far from my familiar people and places. Since college, I've done a lot of different things, but my body has stayed put in Monterey, Massachusetts and Chicago, Illinois (ok fine, I lived in Loveland, Ohio for 3 months). I love structure. I need a framework outside myself to keep my life in place, so that I can feel safe to focus all this ebullient and wandering energy I have on work, people, God, and myself. Right now, I don't feel too safe or structured, and so my energy is wandering all over the place, like it can't find a place to rest and settle down.

I'm trying to read Psalms and breathe and talk to people, to ground myself. But it may just be that I'm going to be like this until I sign a contract somewhere.

Let us live with uncertainty
as with a friend...
knowing we do not know is
the only certainty

(both quotes from Esther de Waal's book on Benedictine spirituality)

Ordination

St. James Cathedral, with a banner of Pentecost flames. My college friend, Jonathan, took all these photos:

Moi.

Consecration.

With my parents.

With my brother.

Me, Aunt Ann, and former Presiding Bishop, Frank Griswold (who was also Bishop of Chicago).

Lunch at Greek Islands afterwards. You can see my aunt and uncle, my counsin, my brother and his girlfriend, my mom, my friend Alicia, Brent House chaplain, Stacy Alan, and my friend, Anna Brawley. That's my hand on the left.

There are a bunch more here, if you'd like to see more. I'm still sort of amazed to have been ordained. Deacon? Reverend? What? I served as deacon at my supporting parish, St. Paul and the Redeemer, on Sunday, which made it seem more real. And I had another job interview yesterday, which also helped. I still feel like myself, and yet, I feel responsible for more than I did before. I'm actually surprised to realize that I feel different... I'm still figuring out how to explain that, though. I don't believe clergy are holier than anyone else, but maybe our job training is just more deeply spiritual and personal than most people's. And I suppose we're invested with trust and responsibility for our communities, and for helping others in their relationships with God and with each other, and that's what makes me feel different - because I feel the weight of that trust.

I'm famous!

Me and a few other Seabury folks, anyway... this is from the Episcopal News Service. I'm in the background in the second photo.

http://www.episcopalchurch.org/79901_86530_ENG_HTM.htm

More graduation photos

Ian and Joseph sat next to me at St. Luke's.

My buddy, Kristin, in her sacristan duds.

My friend and neighbor, Jennifer, in her deacon robes.

I felt so tacky asking for this photo... what an Episcopal groupie! But Kris practically pushed me over there; after all, everyone else was getting their picture with the PB! So there they are: Bonnie Anderson (the head of the House of Deputies, like the House of Representatives in Congress) and the Presiding Bishop, Katharine Jefferts Schori - two amazing women.

The PB is pretty introverted and seemed sort of lost in all the people and energy, although she's an amazing preacher and communicator. Bonnie Anderson seems more outgoing in large groups; she was full of energy and asking me all kinds of questions.

Beth and Kris.

Court and Jim.

Isaiah and his dad, Brad
(who gave me the mug, which has yet to be smashed, stay tuned).

I'm afraid I didn't take ANY photos at my ordination. More Cows and Jonathan did, though, and I expect I'll be getting CDs or something from them sometime. I'll blog about it, soon - I'm still trying to process it all, and I'm exhausted.

I'm also trying to process the fact that my little Golf needs a new transmission, and I'm not sure the car is worth it (a '99). But I'll take a week to think about it - I do love that little car.

Stay tuned

More graduation pics later... with friends, and even the PB!

Graduation without words