I think I'm back-ish

Watch This Space.

I've started sharing my personal ministry experiences with close clergy friends -- I've had many powerful experiences that I just can't blog about. This sharing and proccesing is so important as you start a new ministry, I'm learning. And so now, my brain is feeling more free to blog about other things -- things that I can share in public. I'm hoping that means this blog is Back!

I'm not sure how many of you are still stopping by, but as my posts get more predictably regular, I'll send out a bulletin to those of you who left me your info.

What a year. Thanks for understanding all the chaos around the blog!

Missing my camera

Adam has been encouraging me to get another camera. My little digital Fuji gave out about a month ago, and I've felt like I've been missing an eye! I always kept it with me and kept an eye on everything around me, to see what looked interesting or strange.

I'm in a new place and flooded with new images, so that I find it hard to "see" things, because everything is unfamiliar. I've also been so overwhelmed with new activities that it's been hard to pay much attention to the visuals of things around me.

Sometime I will have a new camera. I've needed things like a new couch, clergy-wear, and other items-necessary-after-a-move that I can't think of right now. Not to speak of all the pictures, ordination certificates, diplomas, and photographs I should frame someday. Just think, if we ever finished our to-do lists, what would we ever have to look forward to?

I'm also trying to give more to charity, since I have money now. Although true confession: I received a $100 giftcard from Rent.com since I signed a lease after using their website to find my apartment. After some hesitation, I decided just to go ahead and spend it on something fun (7-8 CDs!). I thought about giving it away... especially since I've been fixated on the Rafah Crossing crisis in Gaza, and now I'm feeling queasy over the increasing violence in Kenya... Now that I have resources, I'd like to use them, thoughtfully, to help other people. It would be especially good to develop a relationship with a charity and really get to know their work -- maybe even go on a mission trip. That would probably improve my life more than 2 more Ann Taylor sweaters. But sometimes a CD and an Ann Taylor sweater is also a good thing.

Announcement!

Ok, so I have at least one more post to write.
Adam and I got engaged tonight!

I don't know if anyone is still reading, but I thought I'd better post this all the same. He proposed very simply -- we were making dinner together, and I was complaining that I wasn't sure I liked being a grown-up (I'd been paying bills). And he looked at me and said, "But there are SOME things that are nice about being a grown-up." And then he asked me to marry him. (He'd been planning to do this sometime during dinner, but I guess this moment was too good to pass up.)

So, we need to pick a date, to be influenced somewhat by the fact that my younger brother is getting married in late October. Two weddings in my immediate family in one year? Let's hope it will be more fun that chaos!

And since Adam is a photographer, we decided to take some engagement photos right away! I like this one because you can't quite tell if we're bantering about something or telling each other that we're crazy about each other. And you can kind of see my ring -- it's a yellow-gold band in an intricate metalwork design with some tiny diamonds set in it. I love it.

Oops

So, I have been alerted that folks haven't been able to leave comments. I guess they have to be showing for you to leave them...?

So, if you want to be on the Heidi's Blog Returns List, leave your email here (in encrypted form, if you like) or shoot them to me at heidiruthha c/o Gmail.

Blessings!

Hiatus

Hello everyone!

In this New Year, I find I need a hiatus from my blog. Since starting work as a parish priest, I've found it difficult to write and reflect about what's happening because it has so much to do with the lives of other people -- and this is not an anonymous blog! I haven't figured out yet how to reflect about all the changes in my life, or all the experiences I'm having, without compromising the privacy of my parishioners.

I may start blogging again after I adjust to this new life a bit more, and so if you'd like to be notified when I do that, please leave your email and if you like, your name, under "Comments." I've hidden all Comments so that your email won't be public to the whole of cyberspace.

Thank you for being part of Anglicamp with me, and this year of searching and transition! I'm so grateful that you've shared this with me, and I hope to be back again sometime.

God's Peace.
Heidi

Frozen locks

Christmas was great, but I'm not sure how to blog about it. Too big. Instead, I'm going to tell you a story about how easy it can be to make my day.

My car lock seems to freeze every time the temperature goes below freezing. And to make it even worse, my VW only has ONE lock, on the driver's side. There's no second choice of the passenger door -- or even the back hatch, since if you climb in through the back and try to start the car the VW car alarm goes off. I'm stuck with the driver's side lock or nothing. So, I'll stand out in the frigid cold, with the wind blowing up from the wide-open floodplain down the hill (it's a forest preserve, no houses to break the prairie wind), jiggling my key in and out of the lock, trying to melt the ice with friction. It usually takes 5-7 minutes. Awful.

Why don't I use lock de-icer, you may ask. I have, indeed, tried lock de-icer. However, I could never get the stuff (aka isopropyl alcohol) into the lock, because the spigot didn't fit in the keyhole. It would spray all over the place, but it never seemed to get into the lock. So, I would stand there pushing my key in and out, watching little grains of metal collect on the key and feeling worried that I was grinding my lock mechanism into oblivion. Every once in a while, I would spray some de-icer over the front of the lock and say a little prayer.

Then my old friend Monica came to visit after Christmas, and my life changed. Lo and behold, my lock froze just as we were on our way to IKEA (one of Bolingbrook's claims to fame!). Monica is endlessly practical and vetoed my friction method. So, we went across the street to Walgreen's to get some de-icer. She listened to my carefuly-crafted story of woe, that European cars have keyholes too narrow for American de-icer spigots. But she felt sure there was an answer other than helpless indignation, and she thought we might find it at Walgreen's.

Walgreen's only carried the ONE brand of de-icer, that I've tried before. But Monica inquisitively popped off the top, and showed me the red cap over the spigot. I thought it was just to protect the spigot, you know, like the little bit of foil under the cap in a ketchup bottle.

"See, it has an elongated tip, Heidi. We can just cut it off and I think it will fit in your lock!"

I stood, dumbfounded. And Monica even has a pocket-knife. The woman does, after all, work for the Girl Scouts.

And it WORKED! And my lock was unfrozen in like, three seconds.

And suddenly my winter seems so much more fun! A great new job AND a lock de-icer that WORKS! Life is good.

Sermoning at Caribou

I wanted to take a picture of this Caribou Coffee just for a visual of where I am, but I forgot the cable to upload photos onto my laptop. Suffice it to say that I can see a lot of rustic-looking, unpainted wood, a fireplace, and many objects with antlers. I have a beat-up leather chair and a stuffed bear footrest!

I have two sermons to write this weekend, and I'm praying for a deep enough well of the Spirit to find things to say that will actually mean something to people. Coffee is always good, and I wanted to get out of the house.

Down the street, a group of my parishioners are gathering up our church's collection of gifts and food for four needy local families. There's fog lying heavy near the ground. There's hardly anyone in the parking lot this morning -- people are probably sleeping or getting ready to go shopping at places other than Chipotle, Cartridge World, Aurelio's Pizza, and U.S. Cellular. The two girls in red tshirts behind the counter are staying busy doing little coffee tasks, and I'm sitting with my bible near the front window and thinking about Joseph, Ahaz, and Paul.

Then I'll need to find time to write a sermon about the birth of Jesus, to do our Sunday liturgy tomorrow, to practice with my thurifers (Episcopalese for incense-swinger), to practice singing parts of the liturgy, and to REST in between things. My parents are coming up on the 24th to hang out, cook dinner, come to our late service, and sleep over. I want to feel on top of things enough that I can really relax and spend time with them!

I hope you will make time for the things and people you love, too. (Especially all you my pastor-friends.)

Merry Christmas!

Ordination Pictures from Adam

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Ordination

I can't quite believe it, but I'm going to be ordained to the priesthood the day after tomorrow. A ton of family and friends are coming into town. Many carpools of people from St. Benedict's are coming. My first Eucharist is on Sunday. I'm overwhelmed and awed.

My vestments are already downtown, and now all I have to do is show up. Well, that and greet all the out-of-town folks who are coming in tomorrow. And get SOME sleep on Friday night (please God!). And make sure I know what I'm doing Sunday morning at the altar.

I think it's all just going to come in a big wave and I'm not going to know what hit me. I'm still not sure I know what ordination really means. (But I've always thought comprehension was overrated.) But then, I'll be doing this for the rest of my life, and over time it will become more and more natural. That's hard to imagine when so much of my life seems so very new and strange in so many ways... I've only lived in this apartment for four weeks! I've only been working at the church for a little more than two!

Anyway, I hope you will send thoughts and prayers my way this weekend. What a full season, and what a full Christmas, this will be! Spiritually, physically, emotionally... tiring and deeply rewarding. As long as I get sleep, I know I'll be fine.

Chewing on the bible

This is a quote from a friend's blog, "More Cows," a pastor in a very rural area, that I liked and wanted to share with you. They are from a guy who has just started reading the bible recently:

"Further, he shared last week that he had heard some radio evangelist saying that you can't get anything out of the Bible unless you have the Holy Spirit. So he wondered if all the times he didn't get anything out of the Bible if it was because he hadn't had the Holy Spirit. The evangelist said something like "Without the Holy Spirit, reading the Bible is like chewing on bark, but never getting to the wood."

It's hard to read the Bible. I've been amazed, recently, preaching, how much I've had to wrestle with these holy words to find something that seemed like God speaking to me. Maybe I need more of the Holy Spirit. But the evangelist is so right, the Bible isn't magical -- you can't just open it and find beautiful answers to all of life's inpenetrable questions. It IS like chewing on bark. (Although chewing on wood doesn't sound much better, in my opinion.) Maybe it's more like trying to eat a banana with the peel still on? (yuck). Or chewing on wood and never seeing the fruit on the tree? That's better!

I love the bible. But I find it hard to read. Reading Thomas Merton or Jane Austen or wikipedia is often more clear and inspiring. But maybe it's better that God's Word is something tough to chew on, painful sometimes, violent, unpleasant, confusing, and contradictory. That's life, after all.

Bumper sticker

When I worked on an organic farm after I graduated from college, back in 1998 (!), one of my fellow interns had a bumper sticker that really annoyed me. I saw it again the other day.

"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act." - George Orwell

I just think that's the most conceited thing I've ever seen. Who has the "truth"? What's "universal deceit"? Human beings are polarized enough. Why set ourselves against one another with words like truth and deceit?

Christmas apathy?

I almost bought a Christmas tree today. But for some reason, I just didn't feel like it. I'm not ready!

Then I was at Trader Joe's, and they have the cutest little wreaths with juniper berries and walnuts on them. Adorable. But all my doors are made of metal so buying a wreath also means going out to look for an adhesive hook or one of those over-the-top-of-the-door hooks/racks. That seemed like work instead of something fun.

I do have a little string of lights and a star (that is actually a snowflake, but to me it's a star) on my balcony. I love them. Simple, beautiful, and lights in the dark!

I confess I'm feeling very anti-fuss this Christmas. (Actually, I think I feel that way most Christmases. I remember something I read in a book on how to simplify your life: "If it's too hard, don't do it." Now, in the case of things like civil rights or stopping at a red light, this doesn't work, but you know, all in the right context.)

Maybe working full-time as a pastor makes the season seem rich and full already? Maybe I'm too tired to enjoy decorating? Maybe all the snow here seems like plenty of decoration! And maybe in a new house, it doesn't seem ordinary enough yet to need anything to make it special for Christmas... just the newness is celebratory enough.

I'm also feeling uninterested in presents. I don't want to receive a bunch of stuff that I don't really need or want. My apartment is too small. And going out to look for gifts for other people also seems kind of like a drag. Food, music, a few decorations, and church (for me, anyway) are so much fun all by themselves. What would it be like to have just those things, and no presents? I'm not sure I need presents to enjoy Christmas.

Or what if we only gave each other little things? Just gifts for fun, and things you'd definitely use or eat -- chocolate, felt pens, socks... My dad always liked to put oranges, walnuts, and hard candy (ugh) in our stockings. We never ate any of it, but it was pretty and part of Christmas morning.

Anyway. I guess I'm feeling bored with presents. Or too busy to think about shopping for them. My family may just be getting socks this year.

I'll get a tree eventually, which I'll love. And I will buy presents, and probably have fun doing it! And I don't mean to sound grinchy. But I wish this holiday could be as wonderful and also be a little simpler.

The best thing

Best thing about ministry today? Making snow angels with 7-yr. old Matt in his front yard, after having dinner with him and his mom...

Slipped and slid home on the snowy streets, but all is well.

From my balcony

One of my primary views is of power lines.

If I stand out on my balcony, I can hear them making this purring, buzzing sound. It's weird. I have a pretty view, but sometimes it seems like I just have a view of power lines, and I worry about my health a little!

When I get up in the morning, I like to just sit and think or pray for a while -- it's a habit I've had since college. I look at the power lines, and TRY to look past them at the and trees, even though they're bare and brown. Thank God, we had sunshine today so I saw more in the sky than gray cloudcover. I even saw stars this morning, at 6:30, with these long nights we have.

My first week is going well -- the best part is forming relationships with people. I'm not sure there's a worst part, although it may be feeling overwhelmed with all there is for me to learn and all I *could* do, but just don't have time to. But all will come with time.

I'm finding that the church seems like a person itself, a sort of Being. It has a personality that I'm getting acquainted with, from being inside the building, listening the stories people tell about the past, finding the books other vicars have left behind on the shelves, the ways people describe their community and liturgy.

Back when I was in college, I spent a semester in Scotland and I visited a New Age community called The Findhorn Foundation. I thought it was awesome -- great vegetarian food, ecological houses, beautiful gardens, a spiritual sense of purpose, and these nifty ways of describing things. Instead of a president, chair, or leader, they had a community "focalizer." Instead of voting or coming to consensus, meeting of people would "attune" to the right decision, through meditation and discussion. And they believed each house, each room, and the community itself had its own "angel," to hold its spirit and look after it. The Angel of the Community Kitchen, the Angel of Blue Sky Cottage, the Angel of the Gardens, the Angel of the Findhorn Foundation itself. It's totally cheesey, but somehow it also sort of works. So, maybe the Church of St. Benedict has an angel, too?

From Findhorn's "angel cards."

Geez, what am I saying? Don't tell the bishop. Or my professors at the University of Chicago. Haverkamps are supposed to be sensible!!!

A Findhorn house... I want one!

First day

Today is my first day as Vicar at St. Benedict's. I'm amazed at how sort of normal it all feels. Of course, I'm still at home in my pajamas, so maybe that has something to do with it. (I have an evening meeting tonight, so I'm going into the office later in the morning, in case anyone is worried.) I had a good breakfast, prayed Morning Prayer, listened to NPR, prayed for my lay leaders and parishioners, emptied the dishwasher, and took the plastic wrap off my new ironing board. All good.

So, it feels very natural to be getting into this day. I have four meetings, I have a list of things to do, I'm going to take my secretary to lunch, I'm having coffee with someone, working on our Advent liturgy, and I'm meeting again with my search committee tonight. A good start.

If only I had more than 2 collar shirts. But more are coming in the mail soon...

Retreat

It was a pretty gray few days...

I ended up coming home eighteen hours early. I felt surrounded by blankness. Maybe that could be a powerful spiritual experience, but I got kind of bored. I mean, it was beautiful in some ways -- I got some good pictures (borrowing Adam's fancy schmancy Canon EOS 300D). But I was restless and all the white skies, mist, colorless landscape, long nights, and empty hours got tough.

It's funny, because I love sitting around reading, thinking, writing, knitting, and taking walks. I have no trouble sitting still. But this time, I think my eagerness to begin a new thing didn't mix well with solitude and lack of sensory stimulation.

Here's the cabin where I stayed, through some trees. Again, note the colorlessness:


On this one, Adam helped me sauce up the color a bit. I do love big empty, grassy fields. This is why I can never leave the Midwest. I'm addicted to open, flat spaces and anything that looks like prairie.

And now, after some time in Iowa meeting Adam's family (which was great fun -- plus, it snowed three inches out there, so it was gorgeous), I've been reconnecting with my apartment, doing some prayer and reflection at home, and otherwise preparing myself for my first day of work, back in the realm of parish ministry.

Red light, green light

My new home is part of a large apartment complex, which has its own stoplight from our "street" onto the main road. It's a busy road, so we have a long red light. Every time I try to drive away from home, I have to wait 1-2 minutes before I can actually leave, waiting for the light to change. At first it was annoying, but then I thought to myself: there's nothing I can do about it, so I might as well just get used to it. And now (mostly) it feels like a moment to meditate, pray, or just sit still for a little while. Every time I leave home!

I'm leaving tomorrow to go on retreat at a place in the middle of northwestern Illinois woods and farmland. So, another kind of stoplight. It'll be grey, rainy, and cold -- and the last day of hunting season, so I won't be able to go walking the first 24 hours or so. But I'll be grateful to take a few days just to sit still, read the Bible, pray about St. Benedict's and my ministry, and begin to bring this transition time to a close. (Trader Joe's seems pretty far away now.)

When I first tried my hand at parish ministry, I was twenty-four years old. There was a lot I loved about it, but I got caught in a lot of knots, too. I'm eager to jump in again, after seven years of studying, at: a law firm, three Episcopal parishes, one retirement center, one campus ministry, five diocesan conventions, and two theological schools.

I'm ready to get started again. 

New Home

I shot these without flash, so I realize they're a little blurry. That's the cost of authenticity, right?

There are still lots of boxes to be unpacked, mostly books at this point. I actually don't have enough furniture to fill up the place, which is FINE with me... I like a little empty space.

But the views are lovely. I'll get some more shots of those soon.

I love the apartment... but I keep saying to myself, "Gee, I live in Bolingbrook." There's a lot of New to get used to. New apartment, new town, new job, new neighbors, Whole New Life. It's a little overwhelming sometimes.

You'll be interested to know that not only is there a Pakistani/Indian grocery across the way, but there's a (Mexican?) bakery and eatery down the street that Adam and I have sworn devotion to -- Panaderia Coral. Their concha sweetrolls are amazing. This is not your 1950s suburb, here. Not even your 1990s suburb.

Some things I'll miss

Living in a place that feels so medieval (well, except for the cinder blocks in my apartment...).

The fireplace

The BookShelf.

Our super-duper retro clock (note the cautionary sign on top: "Electronically controlled time," ostensibly to warn that it may not be as reliable as say, your hand-wound pocket watch, back in the day.

The cloister.

I'll even miss Seabury's water damage.

I won't miss Trader Joe's. (My locker, there -- I quit three weeks ago.)

Ah, how medieval.

Sitting in the chapel stalls.

Our El stop -- Noyes.

The Central Street beach (that's my backpack).

And of course, the scary cupboard. (And what's inside.)

Ah... don't you just feel like you're in a fairy tale castle?

Lilith and I will miss the purple couch.

And the people:

We're so medieval. We just can't keep up with the 21st century. Crazy Christians.

Just like living in a castle... knights in armor and all.
Well, almost.

Packing

This the view from my windows at Seabury.

It's hard to know how to leave a place. Should I have had a big party? How do I say goodbye to everyone? I think I'm realizing I just can't -- there are too many people, too many feelings, and no way to acknowledge them all well. People leave, it's part of life, and I'm just too overwhelmed with all the logistical stuff I need to do to even know how to begin to approach it.