(See John 2:15)
On Wednesday, I tried to throw a refectory coffee cup against the building (stone!), and break it. Brad and Jim were walking with me, and when they realized that I wasn't joking, they said "Heidi, don't!" I guess I let them stop me. I've been wondering if I should've thrown it anyway, but it was probably better in the end not to destroy school property. It would certainly be a first in my embarassingly spotless school disciplinary record.
I had just learned that another parish job that I was interested in was not available, after all, and it was some kind of last straw. I feel like I've been waiting so patiently, trusting the Spirit, following job possibilities along and praying about it all. And when another one just wasn't going to work out, I decided I was fed up with patience and discernment. I was just angry. Angry at God, angry at my diocese, angry at all these rectors, angry at myself. Brad, Jim, and I walked down to Peets, and I think I scared them, with some of the things I was saying and the way I was going on about all this. Brad finally said, "Uh, Heidi: chill out."
This is my fourth year of school. This is my second life transition in two years. Here's another graduation, another week of "lasts," another bunch of goodbyes to people, another search for "what's next." I've done all this already. Doing it again is exhausting.
I went to the beach today and threw rocks - into the water, at a wooden post, and at other rocks. It wasn't as good as breaking a coffee cup, but it was fine.
Anger is cleansing and honest. I like it.
Amen, amen. It is rough going. I feel like it is even harder in theological centers, like NYC, Chicago, Boston, etc. Tons of super talented people competing for so-so churches. I do think you are exceptionally gifted and hope you hang in there. I am praying that eventually we all find our places...
ReplyDeleteyou need some good girlfriend time, i would encourage a coffee mug hurling... or at least a good primal scream. maybe we can address this in our brief get togethers over the next few weeks.
ReplyDeletehang in there... all shall be well... truly.
and let the anger out...
Good luck to you!
ReplyDeleteYou are an exquisite creature! I enjoy all facets of who you are, as revealed in your writings.
ReplyDeleteIndeed, God has something rich and blessed for you -- something that goes way beyond the cliche 'wonderful plan for your life'.
This will be a great time to look back on and see the busy weavings of the Holy Spirit. In the meantime, Dame Julian is right. But continue expressing the richness of 'you' in all ways...even creative anger.
Love and blessings...
For some reason I was thinking your title was a reference to Jesus being scourged, but now I noticed it is a reference to the temple cleaning. Hmmm... If you could scourge anyone (or throw a mug at them--could be empty, could be full) who would it be?
ReplyDelete