"A monk was once asked, 'What do you do there in the monastery?'
He replied, 'We fall and get up, fall and get up,
fall and get up again.' "
He replied, 'We fall and get up, fall and get up,
fall and get up again.' "
Why is it so hard to be in transition? Even though all the big events are over, I'm still carrying around a lot of anxiety - about where I will work, what it will be like, where I will live, what I will do about my car... I'm just a big ball of WORRY! And I'm not usually a worrier. My default tends to be: accept what comes, stay calm, absorb everything, go with the flow, trust that everything will be fine. But in this new job I'll have, I'll have to redefine myself in a way I haven't for a long time. I'm not going to be a student, I'm going to actually have responsibilities - and a public image, even! I'm going to be someone besides just "Heidi," who can make all her decisions privately, and choose, for instance, not to show up at meetings if she doesn't want to.
What's the difference between being yourself, and adapting to your life as it changes? I feel like I'm getting a little lost in all these new possibilities, even though right now that's pretty much just three jobs in the greater Chicago area!
I've noticed, as I go through life, that I like the idea of new possibilities, but I usually don't actually stray far from my familiar people and places. Since college, I've done a lot of different things, but my body has stayed put in Monterey, Massachusetts and Chicago, Illinois (ok fine, I lived in Loveland, Ohio for 3 months). I love structure. I need a framework outside myself to keep my life in place, so that I can feel safe to focus all this ebullient and wandering energy I have on work, people, God, and myself. Right now, I don't feel too safe or structured, and so my energy is wandering all over the place, like it can't find a place to rest and settle down.
I'm trying to read Psalms and breathe and talk to people, to ground myself. But it may just be that I'm going to be like this until I sign a contract somewhere.
Let us live with uncertainty
as with a friend...
knowing we do not know is
the only certainty
(both quotes from Esther de Waal's book on Benedictine spirituality)
mmm.... good post, heidi.
ReplyDeletefirst of all... your default mode kicks in when you arrive in a new situation, role, place, right? so the fact that you are still in limbo explains the worrying, i think.
i never quite thought about the shifts in identity that came with my graduation/ordination five years ago in the way that you are articulating them, but they are there. i know that about six months into my ministry i figured out that one source of anxiety and insecurity for me was the lack of a syllabus! i wanted SOMEONE to say CLEARLY these are your priorities and deadlines. Maybe if you land in an associate role you will have something akin to a syllabus in the expectations set by the rector so perhaps this won't be an issue for you. But... you're right... you're more than Heidi now, and yet still Heidi. And that's a strange place to be in, especially when you don't have a specific role in which to start practicing this new reality.
I will always think of you, Heidi, as my friend who lives in possibilities much of the time. And from time to time feels lost in them. You always find yourself, or perhaps, I should say God finds you.
Praying the deep breaths deepen, the Psalms speak, and a call resounds- AND SOON!
hey heidi, i hope that your interviews are going/went okay. it is a very strange process. i think you will like parish life again, and it may be nice to part of an established community. keep on keepin' on and fill us in as time allows. jon
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